Was it only the twelfth day? I think not. The long and arduous days of relentless struggle to maintain a foothold of my new life seemed to drag on. The truth was that it took more than twelve days to recover from that hand that I was dealt. The ability to process those days that turned into weeks and even months took a toll. Physically frail and psychologically unstable all I was capable of would center around survival. Self preservation of the once strong and confident ego. It was damaged
I was inwardly selfish, But was I to be blamed. There were others that I loved within my once family of four that needed to be protected and cared for. I was the nurturer, the mother who always took charge . I needed to fill those shoes again to create a healthy family. The leftover family. The ones that were discarded as if unimportant. Our new disposable society.
Selfishness turned to selflessness. I wasn’t the only one agonizing over the destruction of a once unified family. The many other family members become collateral damage. I needed to remedy this somehow. I was the fixer, the CEO of this family. My new job was just beginning.
Sympathetic, compassionate and self effacing were the thoughts to move forward towards our healing. Healing even for the one who left. He was an important person in my life and I could forgive. I knew that he was suffering as well. I could not be angry. I had to free myself of that wasted emotion. It does not allow for resolution.I stayed firm on that notion. Having experienced most of those steps within the grieving process except for the anger I thought this would speed the process of healing. I may have been wrong in that thinking.
With great strength I lifted myself from those days of depression. Selfless in action I formed a plan. A plan that required many moments of self doubt but recognition that in order to be a healthy balanced individual we must be content within ourselves first. I was no good to anyone else if I was unhealthy. Time to show those around me that there is a rainbow at the end of every storm. My storm was beginning to disappear.