Acceptance… My Dance of Necessity

Recognizing my new dance of acceptance became a necessity.

At 56 years of age would it be possible to create completely different steps with a new dance partner?

Alone and lonely for a new partner to come into my dance studio…

Where does one begin?

Away from that murky pool of dating for so many years. The dance of necessity charged forward.

This was a society of couples, that I was no longer a part of.

The need to feel included, was a priority.

With courage and determination I dusted off my 30 year  old dancing shoes and dove deep into that pool of dating.

The cyberspace pool of online dating.

This is the beginning of my new life?

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DAY THIRTEEN: And Beyond… End of the Dance of Grief

Divorce. The end of the dance of grief.

My Dance of grief was on its way out. The marital union disposed of. Those steps of twirling around and around on this new unexpected floor of dissolution was dizzying.

A once loving and compatible union turned into a war zone. Alliances change, defense mechanisms arise. A once unified couple become enemies of themselves.

Invariably, neither party did anything wrong. Dissatisfaction from both led to stumbling along this new dance floor of life.

This dance of life is a continuum and for every stumble, there is a chance to stand up and start again.

DAY TWELVE: Selflessness

Was it only the twelfth day? I think not. The long and arduous days of relentless struggle to maintain a foothold of my new life seemed to drag on. The truth was that it took more than twelve days to recover from that hand that I was dealt. The ability to process those days that turned into weeks and even months took a toll.  Physically frail and psychologically unstable all I was capable of would center around survival. Self preservation of the once strong and confident ego. It was damaged

I was inwardly selfish, But was I to be blamed. There were others that I loved within my once family of four that needed to be protected and cared for. I was the nurturer, the mother who always took charge . I needed to fill those shoes again  to create a healthy family. The leftover family. The ones that were discarded as if unimportant.  Our new disposable society.

Selfishness turned to selflessness. I wasn’t the only one agonizing over the destruction of a once unified family. The many other family members become collateral damage. I needed to remedy this somehow. I was the fixer, the CEO of this family. My new job was just beginning.

Sympathetic, compassionate and self effacing were the thoughts to move forward towards our healing. Healing even for the one who left. He was an important person in my life and I could forgive. I knew that he was suffering as well. I could not be angry. I had to free myself of that wasted emotion. It does not allow for resolution.I stayed firm on that notion. Having experienced most of those steps within the grieving process except for the anger I thought this would speed the process of healing. I may have been wrong in that thinking.

With great strength I lifted myself from those days of depression. Selfless in action I formed a plan. A plan that required many moments of self doubt but recognition that in order to be a healthy balanced individual we must be content within ourselves first. I was no good to anyone else if I was unhealthy. Time to show those around me that there is a rainbow at the end of every storm. My storm was beginning to disappear.